i havent been able to get motivated for the past few days. maybe it is a visit hangover or something...i just want to snooze on the couch. and not think about the wash, dishes, dinner or any other responsibility. tommorrow i say. but then it is tomorrow and i am back to the couch not wanting to move. i feel like i cant open my eyes all the way.

i feel like i need a day to just sleep.

oh well. maybe tomorrow i will feel better. (yawn)

i am going to try to do some wash and clean the kitchen. wish me luck.

tell me to stop whining

busy busy busy

i have been crazy busy for the last 2 weeks with all sorts of appointments, mom and sister in town and birthdays.

but now i think my life will return to its normal boring state until school is out.

th birds are actually using their beaks to dig in the sandbox for food. destroying the hotwheels dirt track that was there. i guess they need food.

more on life later...

YEAH!!! MOM'S HERE!!!!! AND SISTER< TOO!!!!

why cant i indulge in even 1 beer with out a headache? sheesh

i find it hard to be strict. i am not sure why. it is more hard with miss m. maybe because i dont feel like it is my place to be strict. i am not sure exactly what my role is in her life and what her parents expect from me or where the line is drawn. ugh. if i were to treat her like my own kid i would be a lot more (searching for the word here...) not mean but not so lenient maybe. julian gets away with less than she does. but i also expect more from him-age appropriate of course. i need to heed the advice of la tia loquita and have a talk with nemecio. i dont want to be the one to tell him she asked whats viagra and other questions along those lines...

i like sounds.

sometimes i like to just be still and litsten to what i can hear. tonight is very quiet outside but i hear a few frogs and some unidentified animal. i think a type of bird. an occasional car and a dog barking far away. no wind- which is not too common here.

nice nice nice

caffine addict, part 2

i was a caffine addict. maybe still am. this is the 3rd time in my life i have quit caffine. i was drinking 2 to 3 20oz bottles of caffinated beverage a day. so in order to quit, i cut back. i basically would wait until the dread caffine headache started and then drink a bottle of soda with 4 ibuprofen. the first full day i went with out i was like-awesome! i beat this thing!! only to wake up the next day with a terrible headache. so quitting completely like that took about a week or two. after that, for a day or two, i still had occasional headache twinges that would last a minute or two then go away. my original goal was to be caffine free by julians b-day but i beat it!! hoot hoot!!
at first the caffine headache would start in after only 12 hours or so but they gradually started getting further and further (or is it farther and farther?) apart. the only problem was when the headache would come later at night and then i couldn't sleep because i had caffine. but it was worth it.
now to just get over my addiction to being lazy....

caffine addict

i never realized how well i wasn't sleeping until i quit drinking caffine. seriously, when i wake up in the morning i am not groggy and i don't feel the need to laze around on the couch for hours before i can function. amazing. and although i like to nap i don't feel like i need to nap. nice nice nice. even more amazing is that i can get by on less sleep than i was getting before. funny how that works. it has been just over a week since my last signifigant amount of caffine. now i just need to stay away from it. i have a new crush on diet orange crush.

spring

i love texas for it's barely there winter. i do miss the anticipation of spring in WI. the certain smell in the air, seeing all the trees blooming, the first little plants to pop up with their flowers braving the threat of freezing temperatures. the weird random 50 degree day that sneaks up on you creating puddles big enough to swim in. and they have nowhere to go bcause the storm drains are still blocked with ice. i miss perusing greenhouses with my mum. i miss the azelea blooms and the fresh days with crisp nights. if i could live 6 months here and 6 months in WI i would be happy. i talked to a friend today and she told me about the big plans she had for her yard this year and all the plants she was dividing and getting from friends and relatives and i was envious. but alas, my day will come to design my garden and share my plants. until then i will have to live vicariously through reports from my family and friends.

birthday parties...

julians birthday is in just over 2 weeks and i havent started planning the party yet. i dont know who is coming beyond my family. but i am not going to stress out. i am going to eat some strawberries instead.

thanks, ele

i think you are absolutely right. i do need to make a shit pie. after i wrote that particular post i was thinking that maybe i needed to be more aware of my emotions like you said. instead of just the super strong anger/excited/happy/sad emotions, pay attention to the more subtle layers of how i am feeling. and work on those. maybe paying attention and tending to those emotional layers will help the other more strong emotions be more tolerable and not so overwhelming.

thanks

birthday twins

birthday twin: same month sam day same year

me being me, which is to say a dork, upon meeting my birthday twin, asked him if he too was a dork. at first he was reluctant to admit it but he did eventually own up to his dorkiness.

this was my first birthday twin meeting. i have met some birthday sibilings but no birthday twins until today.

do you really believe that the day/time/year you were born has an effect of your personality? do you think i could get the government to fund a research study? maybe i could hire a mathamatian to put all the data in to some sort of algorithm so we could map it out on the computer.

it is bed time. goodnight

i put the bird bath in the sand box. it is a mini bird bath, just perfect. and since the birds have more fun in the sand box than julian does, i put it there. now i just have to wait for them to find it.

in other news- julian fell asleep holding his video game controller- i wish they were still called joysticks- and eating plain spaghetti. i didnt even realize until i heard his sleeping sigh-which is quite loud- over the sound of the video game. now the house is quiet. ahhh. i could be cleaning and that type thing but i am relaxing with my computer watching the birds. what a sight, the two of us on the couch sunggling and giggling about the silly birds.

after i re read what i wrote, thats what it sounded like was going on.

a lot of babbles

so i have been pondering the statement that i am not very emotionally open. or something along those lines. i have been thinking about it. a lot and i am wondering where the door is. i mean how soes someone become more emotionally accessible? eith out being a whiner or crying about everything or a bitch. its not that i am a cold person. but i am just not the type of person to talk about or display a wide range of emotions. even to people close to me. which i guess is what i am trying to fix. but for me feelings and thoughts and emotions are very spurr of the moment, i am (fill in the emotion) right now but once i come down the things i have said may not be true. example: i am angry with boyfriend. i call up sister to complain and it ends up sounding like things are horrible. which is far from the truth. later on, i regret saying some of the things i said or putting the situation in the light i put it in because it wasn't correct. so i often dont spill my guts (when maybe i should be) because i dont want my relationships with others to be judged bases on an anger filled bitch session. nor do i want people to think/ feel like i am emptying my emotional trash can on them.
if i acted on my every emotional impulse people would hate me. but really, there must be some middle ground somewhere, right? where you can open up to people an let them know about you but not feel like you are dumping on them, either. or that your life is horrible and you need/want pity. i have had people who thought i was their dumping ground of toxic emotions and it is terrible. i dont want to be that person.
sometimes i know i dont say what i am feeling because i dont want to hurt feelings or stir up the pot. i sometmes have a hard time saying what i need to say with out adding a little bit of meanness to it. not in words but in tone of voice. so i just refrain from saying anything.
have i always been like this? sometimes i feel like this is a more recent phenomenon. like i have become more guarded in the past ten years. but then i am not really sure. i know i certainly cried a lot more and a lot more easily when i was younger. but somewhere i put a plug in it and now i find it difficult to cry for anything. i wish i could cry more easily. i wish i could laugh more easily, too. not that i dont find things funny but i guess it takes a lot to get my laugh nerve excited or something.
the only person i dont have a hard time with is julian. maybe because he is a baby. sorry- a big guy. and he takes everything at face value right now. it is what it is and he doesn't hold back, either.
so the question is- how does one open up more? where to start? with a person? or an emotion? should i tell my boyfriend exactly what i am feeling when i feel it or should i focus on expressing one emotion more?
maybe i can find a book about it....