only took 6 tries to remember my password.
e mailed with mr scott at kipp and i am gonna call to get j on the informal list
need to get the part to fix my car so i can maybe sell it ( i still hate to think about it)
have no child care on friday morning
drank some beers, feel ok now gonna feel shitty later
my baby is asleep in my bed in his new p.j.s
nothing else to report from this end of the earth
you?

why is it that the last 500 times i have attempted to log on my puter said no but this one time, it said ok? has it really been so long? "winter" is here in texas and 2010 is just around the corner. i think i am going to attempt a project this year. i am going to (try to) take a picture of j every day of the year. then make a high speed slide show. we'll see how it works out.
is it normal that he is hooking a bungee cord to his psnts to pull his train along?

i admit that i have been a blogging slacker. well, not just blogging but at most every other aspect of my life. i am holding my breath right now waiting to hear about our house. i alternate between excitement and nerves. not wanting to jinx anything by packing or being too excited or talking about it too much. i am not normally quite so supersticious but for some reason i am going to extremes here. i don't even have closing marked on my calander. it is like being at your shitty restaurant job on a slow day when you're happy it is slow and someone says, "man, it is really slow today!" and then a bus load of old cheap ladies pulls into the parking lot. thanks for ruining my gloriously slow day, jerk! the question is- would those old ladies have shown up even if no one had said it was slow or did a higher force (fate, god, destiny, evil warlocks, aliens) intervene to give you something to do? and why the hell did my optimisim go on vacation this summer of all summers?

see ya!

houses

i think we found a house. it has all the stuff i wanted, nice yard (with a jungle gym) and kitchen, 2 bathrooms neighborhood pool and playground. its newer than the others and well kept, a little bit smaller than some of the others we looked at but we like it. we must have seen 50 houses. and thats no exaggeration. they all started to look the same. this one the real estate agent said " i found it today, i think you will like it, it looks really nice from the pictures" and she was right. we were debating between 2 others and as soon as we saw this one, we forgot the others. so we put the offer in today, keep your fingers crossed it will all go through.

i did it. i joined facebook.

so apparently the whole world knows about ferrah and michael dying except us magazine. there was a blip in there about ferrah getting ready to wed and at the end was a whole page on michael wearing womens clothing. i just thought it was kind of weird that a magazine that specializes in basically spying on celebrities wouldnt know they were dead. ok, so i realize the mag was probably mailed out the day they died but what are the chances they would decide to have these 2 particular people in their magazine the week they died? next week they will probably have some crazy thing on how much they loved michael and the tragedy that ferrah didnt get to wed...

got a book on cd from the library yesterday for my trip. i already read it but i found that listening to a book on cd keeps me more alert than music. the key is to start listening before i am already drowsy. gonna make julian an mp3 player just for his music so he can listen to what he wants. now i am gonna browse the library for more books on cd.

well, its official. either i am easily impressed or my boyfriend is a poo. have youse guyses ever checked out www.pandora.com ? it is super cool beause i type in a song or artist i like and based on that it plays a variety of similar music. maybe i am easily impressed by this "music genome" thing but damn. you can look up the factors that make the song similar, it has the lyrics and you can give a song a thumbs up or down if you want. he was not so thrilled. he said "is that all you wanted to show me?" yeah, isn't it cool? in my world it is.

4 weeks to WI

just when i was thinking i could get a good nights sleep and have a do nothing day off, i had to spend the night camped out in the living room holding julians head over the puke bucket all night. the joy of kids. try explaining to a thirsty dehydrated 4 year old why he cant just have a huge drink of ice cold water. (in case you're wondering- it creates instant puke) he finally stopped at about 530 this morning. and then started with "i'm thirsty!" so then he had to sip something every 5 minutes and try to sleep in between. i was snoozing on the floor when i heard from the bathroom "mama! I pbbblllbbbted!" meaning it was now coming out the other end. so much for the do nothing day off. i didn't realize such a small body could hold so much vomit. most of it came out in the initial incident all over the bed. i never even knew until he came out covered in it. grossed out yet? sorry. had to share

schools

so i (through my sister) found a school i want to send julian to. it addresses all the issues i have had with public schools
1.) it teaches in dual language from day 1 of kindergarten. the kids get 50 % of instruction time in english and 50% in spanish
2.) they wear uniforms. i believe uniforms level the playing field since teachers and other students can't make assumptions (and therefore self fulfilling prophecies) based on how a student is dressed
3.) they have a longer school day and year. this allows for not only enough time to get what they need in acedemically but allows for time for other ventures. they dont have a formalized schedule yet but according to the director, the day would be acedemic in the morning, rest then enrichment in the afternoon. i am not sure what exactly they mean by enrichment but i have an idea it is art, music, "wellness" cultural and service type stuff.
4.) all of their kids pass the state tests. the 8th graders had a 100% pass rate. that in its self is amazing but they also had more than half the kids getting comendable scores.
5.) the parents and student have to sign a commitment to the school and to do well. i am not sure what age this starts but at least by 5th grade, maybe sooner. parents have to be involved.

this is really just the beginning of the list. the only catch is getting in. they have an open enrollment period then they throw all the names in a bucket and pick which students get in. the rest of the names go on a waiting list if space becomes available. the first kidergarten class start in 2010 when julian would be starting kindergarten. they tenatively will have 100 students with 5 classes. and a 1:10 student teacher ratio.

thanks to sister for telling me about this. hopefully i can encourage miss m to go as well. she needs it.

off to make banana bread

sometimes i open my computer to do actual work- pay the bills, do some stuff for work, whatever... but i have this pattern, check e mail, check blogs. and this is where i have an issue. i get distracted from the original mission by reading blogs and then i start doing something else completely unrelated like reading "news of the weird" or watching susan boyle and the next thing i know, it is like 2 hours later and my child has shriveled up for lack of attention and my bills still arent paid. thanks blog spot, i love you too.

huh?

i love back handed compliments. i got a great one the other day. "your hair looks great! like you actually had to do something to it instead of just rushing!" huh? thanks, i think...i mean, i have no illusions where my hair is concerned. it is what it is - which is crazy with a mind of its own. but really? sheesh.

relationships

sometimes i feel like my "relationship" or should i say "relationships" are lost in the blur of every day stuff. cleaning, whos gonna pick up the kids from where, paying the bills etc etc. it is hard to see the bigger picture sometimes and sometimes i wonder what, exactly, the bigger picture is. maybe i am only seeing such a tiny portion of it i cant make it out. who knows.

my porch

even though i am about 3 stories up and above the majority or trees, my porch seems to attract critters. i have birds of all sorts coming for the bird food, strange small geckos, and occasional anole, snakes and now, a squirell (is that how you spell it?) it seems to be coming for the bird food too. i found the bag with a hole chewed in it so i put it in the closet. now it is helping itself to the dish. all things considered, she ( i am guessing the sex here) seems pretty unafraid. i clicked and she came right up to the door to investigate. i am pretty sure she was posing for the pictures. as long as it is only 1, i can handle sharing. if more come, i will have to take action to protect my food supply. it seems that squirrells arent nearly as prolific here as they are in austin so maybe i wont have a problem. the birds seem upset about having to share, though. they are chattering angrily at it.

mr cardinal is singing me a song. a duet with another cardinal somewhere further away. but he is in a tree just off my porch.

good news- maggie will be ok. she was sick at the vet over night for 2 nights but she is coming home today. i am glad. it wouldnt seem right for mum to lose 2 dogs in less than a year. and maggie is still pretty young.

there was something else i wanted to write about but heck if i can remember. it is still early

i have almost saved enough blood money (dinero de sangre?) to go see joe nichols again...

laid

i listened to james laid. i havent had a listen in several years. i still like it. still remember all the words. sometimes i try to use the music to put me in the same frame of mind i had back then, to try to capture some if the emotion but it is hard. to try to recapture an emotion. it is a sudden fleeting thing when i do and the harder i try to hang on the quiker it goes. i am not sure why i am even trying. maybe just to remember. who i was, to see how i have changed. who knows.
but it reminds me of rainy summer nights and lightning and my first apartment. it makes me feel a bit meloncholy in a way. i am an old lady.

i wish life didnt sneak up on me so fast. today is miss m's birthday and we didnt really do anything to celebrate. we are having a party tomorrow at dave and busters but i really feel like we should do SOMETHING on her birthday. she wanted golden corral for dinner so we drove to south lamar for that (mapquest round rock to south lamar in austin and you will understand) but otherwise, nothing really exciting. her brothers baby was born 3 minutes shy of her birthday at 1157 pm on the 14th. nameless baby girl. they are naming her tomorrow, i guess. so now she and julian are aunts and uncles twice. weird.

i have to clean for the party in case it moves here after d&b for some swimming and cake. i hope it goes well and her friends come and have good time.

blue is back!! and clean!! i freaked out because there was literally nothing in all of my junk storage spots like the door pocket and center console but then i found it in a bag in my trunk. which is sort of nice because it forces me to go through all my crap. and i threw out most of it, filed some of it and the rest goes back in the car. which really wasnt a whole lot. ahhh, to have air conditioning..

but i feel like a bad mom. so readily deserting green and driving off in blue. i had to leave green behind because i didnt have a second driver. we will go back on saturday for him but i still feel bad. green has always been so good to me. some day, greens day will come. and he will be like a new car.

on a totally different note, jose's girlfriend is finally having her baby. as we speak. it is about time. only a week and a half late. i think they induced her.

time to do my hair and get ready for work. i have to 1) drop julian off at the playground 2) get monica from school 3) take her to rudys and 4) go to work hopefully no more than half an hour late.

snakes 2

i forwarded the pictures to a snake specialist to see if he can identify what kind of snakes they were. hopefully i will hear back that they were some harmless variety of (giant) garden snake. i am pretty sure they were harmless since they didnt seem to be too offended about being shoved off their spot.

finally. after a month and more phone calls back and forth and bull shit, finally, blue is coming home. after the over nighted check that arrived 4 days later in the regular mail and supplementals that were done by the insurance company but they never saw them and after listening to sarah boecks nasally voice for too much time, blue is coming home. she better look good. pictures to follow...

so i was just sitting here, painting my nails sparkley pink when i looked out on the porch and saw a huge snake. then i looked a bit closer and realized there were 2 huge snakes. EEEEEKKK!!! so i freaked out and called maintenance and they came snd got rid of them. i didnt want to hurt them but i didnt want to welcome them either!! just not what i was expecting to see on a monday afternoon. msybe they just wanted some sun. or to eat some birds....

stress

i have had a long week. i dont really care to elaborate too much but most of you know the story. now i/we have a long road ahead of us. i hope we are all strong enough to see it through to the end.

joe nichols. i think he knew more than he said when i saw him. i had that feeling from the time i left his office but now it is even stronger. i feel like i need to go back for him to elaborate. that wasn't why i was there last time so maybe thats why or maybe it was unclear what would happen. he said we would have some problems this spring and indirectly said this fall was going to be hard, too. i guess all we can do is wait and see what happens. i think i wll go back just to see what he can see. thats a lot of blood money. i guess thats what it is for, though.

too much shit.

green. again.

green has a newly installed manually operated cooling fan switch. it looks like it belongs there. nice work boyfriend. now for the test drive. i just hope i dont leave it on and kill the battery. it has a nice hmmmmmmmmmmmm that i havent heard in awhile. i hope this cures some of the radiator issues.

on a blue note-
the insurance lady called to apologize for the delay in getting the whole situation taen care of and she said she will be overnighting a check today or tomorrow after the supplemental is approved. finally. it has been a month. last time i had my car getting repaired it was 3 days. and that was worse damage than this one. sheesh

went to see x men tonight. it was pretty good especially since i dont usually watch that type of movie. lots of action, real loud. now i want to watch the others.

a second thought on green

i think iti is not only the lack of a/c but the fact that i have to keep the heat on to keep green from over heating that gets me the most. but i love green. and i am not willing to give up yet. like i sait, though-signifigant investment.

green has never let me down in 70,000 miles. although he did let j down in the 3,000 miles she drove it. sorry about that axle thingy...the mechanic marveled when i drove it down from wisconsin for her, " how did you make it from wisconsin? the water pump is leaking and oil is spewing" well, green has spirit and so i can't give up. any way- no one can love green like i do. even though i am depressed that i cant afford anything but band-aids for him. i thinkwell, school starts in a just over a year. i can get another job just for a little while and fix green up. we will see. i hope green can hold out that long. it has been almost 10 years (maybe more) since i got him and he has held out this long. just a bit longer...

i love green but if i dont get blue back soon i may go crazy. i think it is more because of the hassle it has been with the insurance etc rather than driving green. but green is old and i am afraid to say may be past the point of every day driving with out signifigant investment. ahh green, i will try to keep you alive as long as i can...

finally...

afer being potty trained for over a year and after an unsucessful attempt yesterday, julian peed standing up today. i guess it is the little things in life. and he had his first trip to the movie theater to see hotel for dogs. he was most happy about the vat of popcorn he consumed. he is definatly a grandmas boy.

baking.

this weekend is all about the baked goods. cookies on saturday- just the old stand by- chocolate chip and then cupcakes on saturday for miss m's friend at school. decorated and all. we will see how that goes!!

moonsand bikinis and plasma

julian got moonsand yesterday. what a joy. it is really fun but now the 3 colors are 1. pinkish purpley. messy, too. the included blow up sand box wasnt really big enough to do anything with but we played for over an hour. whicch is a record for me. not julian. when he is in to something, he will play forever. when we were all done the moon sand that jumped onto the floor was stuck to his leg like some crazy skin disease. i will post some pictures. thats what i always say, right? on a scale of 1 to 10 i give it a 7.5 mostly for the mess it makes and the too small sand box. maybe i will start a blog rating toys. julian has enough of them...

on a different note- it is my day off and monica and i have a date to go to the pool after school. julian will be at sandras so i can just sit and relax and read a book. i may go buy a new bikini. my old one is on its last legs. the pink polka dots are now white. i saw a cute one at acadamy. i do have a new suit joyce bought me last year. maybe i will stick with that. if i had a choice i would have a new suit for each day since i like to switch it up but i am also cheap and that always seems to win. i think i have to sell some more blood before i can afford a new suit, though.

strangly enough i look forward to blood days. i get paid to sit in a chair for 45 minutes or so and i get to listen to Radiolab. they have new plasmapherisis machines that go super fast. the last time before the new machines it was about 40 minutes to do the donation and last time it was 27. holy cow! i used to be there for a little over and hour and last time i was in and out in 45 minutes. which is good and bad since i like to relax and not think about anything while i am there and this cuts back on my think nothing time. but boy does that plasma bag fill up fast! it is amazing. it literally pours in there. some people are grossed out but to me, it is fascinating.

as usual, the wash is calling my name. i swear i had it all done 2 days ago and now i have 5 loads to do. it is crazyness.

why cant i make this slideshow thingy work? am i really so special?

radio lab

really- i have few vices in this world. raidolab has replaced mt dew. better, huh? except i will listen to it for ever and spend hours downloading episodes so i can feed my addiction. it does help to listen while i am mindlessly folding wash or doing the dishes or selling my plasma. so far, my favorite episode was "sperm" but i am a sucker for reproductive science.

ok, so apparently i was not being patient enough so here are some pictures. hair pictures as promised. more later after i do the dishes etc...

camerA woes

i cant seem to take the pictures off my camera. it seems to be held up by a video i have on there. i dont really get it since i have transferred videos before. and i dont want to just delete it since it was christmas. sheesh. i tried to go to my computer but apparently i can only access my camera through the kodak software. arg....i am gonna try some more. if i figure it out there may be a picture explosion coming.

hair part 2

yeah, so new hair? awesome!! kelly at trashy roots was awesome. she did what i wanted even though i wasn't sure what i wanted. at first i didnt look like me, though! i still have to put up my pictures but i promise that by later tonight they will be up. i got tons of compliments at work today and i think nemecio almost pooped his pants when he saw. he is really happy (good since he paid and all) now i just have to se what happens when i wash it and it does it's natural thing. i am thinking afro. but we will see. i guess thats what a straightner is for!

hair

so this is how the conversation went (edited for time and length)
-you need to do something with your hair. its pretty bad
-what i need is $50 for a real haircut
-here, take $100 and do something

i am not sure if i should be offended or happy. we can't really afford it but he is right, my hair is pretty bad. poofy, nappy, dry, weird. so i made an appointment for today at 330. i will post some before and afters. besides what girl doesnt like to have her hair done? it's not really free but at least he has been working extra caterings.

wish me luck. i hope this place is good. i think was attracted to the skulls on the website. i left my hair in its natural state so they can see what i am not working with.

on a scale of 1 to 8, your'e an 8

why is it that even though i just peed i will still have to pee after i brush my teeth in 5 minutes? why do i have to compulsively pee 1) when i come home 2) aftre brushing my teeth 3) upon waking up even if i woke up an hour ago to pee 4) before bed. why is it my son, on the other hand, never seems to have to pee. no joke. once we drove all teh way to wisconsin and he didnt pee once. he peed like 6 times in the shower when we got there but damn! in the mornings i have to remind him to go. sometimes i will forget and it will be like 1 pm and i will say to him, have you peed yet today? and he will say no and run away. maybe i am a bit obsessive but that just doenst seem to be normal after my over active bladder. and why o why does he poop everytime i am taking a nap? even if he already pooped that day if he sees me napping, he has to poop. i dont get it. i am going to bed

ahhhh spring!

i am losing my voice. maybe it will be completely gone by friday and i wont be able to work the dt at work. probably not so lucky.

ahhh...peace and quiet. julian is asleep and no one else is home. i am relishing this moment until i have to start cleaning the house. i already cleaned 2 boxes of toys out of julian closet and picked up the room and i am washing the sheets. now, the rest of the house (make sure you read that ina paul harvey-esque voice, ok?)

i did all my car stuff today. at least that is taken care of. now, tomorow i can slack off and do nothing. which i am not so good at lately. i feel like i need to keep moving. like there is something else to do either in the house or with the kids or errands to run. i used to have this list of things to do if i was wondering what to do. it started like this:
HEY LAZY!! IF YOU ARE BORED YOU CAN...
and then it listed all sorts of things that needed to be done like change the sheets, make cookies, scrub the tub, go to the gym, clean the fridge, walk medea etc.
it listed things that either a) didnt need to be done on a daily basis or b) i needed extra motivation to do them. oddly enough, it worked. i would consult the list if i was bored and then i wasn't so bored anymore. now i never am really bored just more felling like i am forgetting something big that i need to do. and i never figure out what it is.... oh well.

off to do the wash that is calling me.

colds hail and snot

i discovered, yesterday, why they say not to use a sinus rinser when one or both sides of your nose are completely clogged. i was deaf for almost half an hour since my ears clogged up so bad and rinse water (which contains all sorts of nose goodies) was not coming out where it was supposed to (the other nostril) but it decided to take the route through the back of my nose and out my mouth. so now that you are thoroughly grossed out... but i was desperate. and my nose was only like 95% clogged so i figured i had that 5% to play with. sudafed is my hero right now. but even that isn't mare than 75% effective with this monster that has decided my sinui (is that multiple of sinus?) were a good place to live and breed. it seems to be going around at work. but i keep going just to spread the love with my co-workers.

on a different less nasty note, i had the dent guy come to look at my car and he said that i need more than just dent repair, i need actual body work. thanks hail. so wednesday i have to drive out to leander for an estimate. and get greens inspection done. and pay greens registration. so i can drive green while blue is in the shop. i guess i also need to order a new txtag since my windshield will be replaced as well. thanks again, hail.

and now, i am frustrated since it took me 15 minutes to get the pictures just so. and i am still not happy with the placement but i just gave up since 3 people read this.

someday i will get the picture of the hail off my phone and put it up here. it was about the size of a baseball. i have never seen anything like it.

tomorrow julian and i get to go to see the pediatric orthapedist (the bone and joint dr-what ever they are called) for his knee pain and left foot that is always turned in. hopefully it will be nothing but my dr is very thorough and wants to be sure. too bad i cant remember the dr's name.

arg. time to whisk julian off to sandras house and then of to work. so i can infect more people.

dream sequence 2
dropping julian off at school. i leave my car on to run inside and get him settled in (i never do this in real life, i always shut my car off if i am stopped longer than a stop light.) the music is playing loud. i am in the school no more than 2 minutes. nemecio is there and we talk for a minute while julian settles in for story time. i go outside and look for my car. i cant find it but i can hear the music fading. i look out past the row of cars and i see it driving away. so i run back inside and ask for nemecios phone to call 911. of course, it is too complicated and i cant make it work. suddenly 2 detectives show up and say that someone from the governors office asked them to come. they say i must have friends in high places. and i think to my self, i dont really have many friends...i give them all my info and head home to get ready for work. the only problem is that i cant find my work clothes. they were in my car. of course then i cant find any other clothes, either. and i am getting kind of excited. not in a good way. and i kept thinking i should just call in. they would understand if my car was stolen and i couldnt get to work. somewhere in there, monica came home and had a friend along and they both fell asleep. my house was the old apartment above btbt's house where paul and his mom and steve used to live. thats all i remember. i am not sure if i ever got to work (somehow i dont think so) or if i ever got my car back.

i am kind of dissapointed i havent been remebering my dreams lately. i used to remember them at the very least once or twice a week. hmmm. wonder why.

hair cuts and other goodies

it never ceases to amaze me how much of a difference a little trim makes. me being me (meaning cheap) cut my hair today. i usually do it every couple of months. why should i pay someone to cut my hair straight across the back when i can do it myself and it is fine. since my hair is poofy anyway no one can tell it it a bit choppy at the ends. now it is dry and extra poofy. next battle: chlorine season.

really. do you think sallys sells a giant bottle of chlorine out shampoo? last year i almost had to shave my head since it looked more like a hay field in fall than hair. but i am not willing to give up swimming, either. i cant wait to swim. the water is too cold now but once the weather gets warm it should warm up fast. last year at this time, it was in the 80's consistently. this year, not so much. it was in the 40's last week for lows and i think the warmest day we have had has been in the 80's. today, a beautiful 77 degrees sunny and light breeze. ahhhh...

update- julian never managed to give himself a wedgie

i seem to be having some writers block. which is ok since i am not a writer.

more later

can one give ones self a wedgie?

julian is giving himself a wedgie. or trying to anyway. need i say more? clearly he is my child.

i havent been able to get motivated for the past few days. maybe it is a visit hangover or something...i just want to snooze on the couch. and not think about the wash, dishes, dinner or any other responsibility. tommorrow i say. but then it is tomorrow and i am back to the couch not wanting to move. i feel like i cant open my eyes all the way.

i feel like i need a day to just sleep.

oh well. maybe tomorrow i will feel better. (yawn)

i am going to try to do some wash and clean the kitchen. wish me luck.

tell me to stop whining

busy busy busy

i have been crazy busy for the last 2 weeks with all sorts of appointments, mom and sister in town and birthdays.

but now i think my life will return to its normal boring state until school is out.

th birds are actually using their beaks to dig in the sandbox for food. destroying the hotwheels dirt track that was there. i guess they need food.

more on life later...

YEAH!!! MOM'S HERE!!!!! AND SISTER< TOO!!!!

why cant i indulge in even 1 beer with out a headache? sheesh

i find it hard to be strict. i am not sure why. it is more hard with miss m. maybe because i dont feel like it is my place to be strict. i am not sure exactly what my role is in her life and what her parents expect from me or where the line is drawn. ugh. if i were to treat her like my own kid i would be a lot more (searching for the word here...) not mean but not so lenient maybe. julian gets away with less than she does. but i also expect more from him-age appropriate of course. i need to heed the advice of la tia loquita and have a talk with nemecio. i dont want to be the one to tell him she asked whats viagra and other questions along those lines...

i like sounds.

sometimes i like to just be still and litsten to what i can hear. tonight is very quiet outside but i hear a few frogs and some unidentified animal. i think a type of bird. an occasional car and a dog barking far away. no wind- which is not too common here.

nice nice nice

caffine addict, part 2

i was a caffine addict. maybe still am. this is the 3rd time in my life i have quit caffine. i was drinking 2 to 3 20oz bottles of caffinated beverage a day. so in order to quit, i cut back. i basically would wait until the dread caffine headache started and then drink a bottle of soda with 4 ibuprofen. the first full day i went with out i was like-awesome! i beat this thing!! only to wake up the next day with a terrible headache. so quitting completely like that took about a week or two. after that, for a day or two, i still had occasional headache twinges that would last a minute or two then go away. my original goal was to be caffine free by julians b-day but i beat it!! hoot hoot!!
at first the caffine headache would start in after only 12 hours or so but they gradually started getting further and further (or is it farther and farther?) apart. the only problem was when the headache would come later at night and then i couldn't sleep because i had caffine. but it was worth it.
now to just get over my addiction to being lazy....

caffine addict

i never realized how well i wasn't sleeping until i quit drinking caffine. seriously, when i wake up in the morning i am not groggy and i don't feel the need to laze around on the couch for hours before i can function. amazing. and although i like to nap i don't feel like i need to nap. nice nice nice. even more amazing is that i can get by on less sleep than i was getting before. funny how that works. it has been just over a week since my last signifigant amount of caffine. now i just need to stay away from it. i have a new crush on diet orange crush.

spring

i love texas for it's barely there winter. i do miss the anticipation of spring in WI. the certain smell in the air, seeing all the trees blooming, the first little plants to pop up with their flowers braving the threat of freezing temperatures. the weird random 50 degree day that sneaks up on you creating puddles big enough to swim in. and they have nowhere to go bcause the storm drains are still blocked with ice. i miss perusing greenhouses with my mum. i miss the azelea blooms and the fresh days with crisp nights. if i could live 6 months here and 6 months in WI i would be happy. i talked to a friend today and she told me about the big plans she had for her yard this year and all the plants she was dividing and getting from friends and relatives and i was envious. but alas, my day will come to design my garden and share my plants. until then i will have to live vicariously through reports from my family and friends.

birthday parties...

julians birthday is in just over 2 weeks and i havent started planning the party yet. i dont know who is coming beyond my family. but i am not going to stress out. i am going to eat some strawberries instead.

thanks, ele

i think you are absolutely right. i do need to make a shit pie. after i wrote that particular post i was thinking that maybe i needed to be more aware of my emotions like you said. instead of just the super strong anger/excited/happy/sad emotions, pay attention to the more subtle layers of how i am feeling. and work on those. maybe paying attention and tending to those emotional layers will help the other more strong emotions be more tolerable and not so overwhelming.

thanks

birthday twins

birthday twin: same month sam day same year

me being me, which is to say a dork, upon meeting my birthday twin, asked him if he too was a dork. at first he was reluctant to admit it but he did eventually own up to his dorkiness.

this was my first birthday twin meeting. i have met some birthday sibilings but no birthday twins until today.

do you really believe that the day/time/year you were born has an effect of your personality? do you think i could get the government to fund a research study? maybe i could hire a mathamatian to put all the data in to some sort of algorithm so we could map it out on the computer.

it is bed time. goodnight

i put the bird bath in the sand box. it is a mini bird bath, just perfect. and since the birds have more fun in the sand box than julian does, i put it there. now i just have to wait for them to find it.

in other news- julian fell asleep holding his video game controller- i wish they were still called joysticks- and eating plain spaghetti. i didnt even realize until i heard his sleeping sigh-which is quite loud- over the sound of the video game. now the house is quiet. ahhh. i could be cleaning and that type thing but i am relaxing with my computer watching the birds. what a sight, the two of us on the couch sunggling and giggling about the silly birds.

after i re read what i wrote, thats what it sounded like was going on.

a lot of babbles

so i have been pondering the statement that i am not very emotionally open. or something along those lines. i have been thinking about it. a lot and i am wondering where the door is. i mean how soes someone become more emotionally accessible? eith out being a whiner or crying about everything or a bitch. its not that i am a cold person. but i am just not the type of person to talk about or display a wide range of emotions. even to people close to me. which i guess is what i am trying to fix. but for me feelings and thoughts and emotions are very spurr of the moment, i am (fill in the emotion) right now but once i come down the things i have said may not be true. example: i am angry with boyfriend. i call up sister to complain and it ends up sounding like things are horrible. which is far from the truth. later on, i regret saying some of the things i said or putting the situation in the light i put it in because it wasn't correct. so i often dont spill my guts (when maybe i should be) because i dont want my relationships with others to be judged bases on an anger filled bitch session. nor do i want people to think/ feel like i am emptying my emotional trash can on them.
if i acted on my every emotional impulse people would hate me. but really, there must be some middle ground somewhere, right? where you can open up to people an let them know about you but not feel like you are dumping on them, either. or that your life is horrible and you need/want pity. i have had people who thought i was their dumping ground of toxic emotions and it is terrible. i dont want to be that person.
sometimes i know i dont say what i am feeling because i dont want to hurt feelings or stir up the pot. i sometmes have a hard time saying what i need to say with out adding a little bit of meanness to it. not in words but in tone of voice. so i just refrain from saying anything.
have i always been like this? sometimes i feel like this is a more recent phenomenon. like i have become more guarded in the past ten years. but then i am not really sure. i know i certainly cried a lot more and a lot more easily when i was younger. but somewhere i put a plug in it and now i find it difficult to cry for anything. i wish i could cry more easily. i wish i could laugh more easily, too. not that i dont find things funny but i guess it takes a lot to get my laugh nerve excited or something.
the only person i dont have a hard time with is julian. maybe because he is a baby. sorry- a big guy. and he takes everything at face value right now. it is what it is and he doesn't hold back, either.
so the question is- how does one open up more? where to start? with a person? or an emotion? should i tell my boyfriend exactly what i am feeling when i feel it or should i focus on expressing one emotion more?
maybe i can find a book about it....

weread

dear tomk
thanks for the link to we read. now i will never forget a book i read and liked or disliked again. now i can look at all the books i've read and decide which i liked the best and which i want to check out at the library next time. thanks. i am really excited.!!!

www.weread.com

after the dirty shirt on the table rant, i found a pair of dirty underwear on the couch. sheesh.

nothing really...

i havent had too much to post and not too much time to post it. i feel like my every moment is used up. wake up, clean, wash the dishes, wash the clothes, cook food, entertain julian, get ready for work, work, sleep. and yet, i never seem to get anything done. there are always dirty dishes, wash, and the kitchen table makes me nuts. it seems to be this dumping place for everything. the other day i even found a dirty shirt laying on it. usually those end up on the couch or floor. and ye twe are supposed to eat there. dirty shirt and all. at least it wasnt underwear. that may have put me over the edge.

now i have to go gather the dirty wash and start again.

ok, so i never finished the slide show. so it kindly put some random photos there (without asking) and i haven't had the ambition to fix that. but i will someday. maybe tomorrow. who knows.

it doesntt happen often but i worked with a floating pharmacist that was fun to work with. we were singing terrible duets. what more could a terrible singer want than another terrible singer?

for ele #2

when i am at work if i were to pose a question about...well lets just use the age old "what is the meaning of life? why are we here?" or something along those lines-maybe like "what type of solution do you think will work for this recession? which tyoe of approach do you favor?"-something that required some sort of dialog without a real answer most of the people i work with would a)not even get involved because that sort of question involves thinking and they are either a.1)too wrapped up in their lives to think about what goes on around them a.2) not the brightest bulb in the bunch or b)not get involved because the question doesnt have a real answer and no concrete way to get there.

i dont work with a bunch of stupids like i have in other jobs in the past but i do work with quite a few people who are so wrapped up in themselves and their lives they fail to see beyond their bubble. which makes me want to pop it. bad. an shake them and say "HEY YOU!!! THERE IS MORE TO THIS WORLD THAN JUST YOU!!!"

which isnt to say i am any smarter than anyone but i do want to keep learning and keep my brain from atrophying (did i spell that right? i like that word) and drying up into a hunk of rusted grey matter. which would really be reddish matter if it was rusted. right?

but it is bed time. and ths is a weird tangent for which i dont really have the energy. i didnt really follow the thought pattern i had intended but it is late so i will use that as an excuse.

night

for ele

linear thinking
Part of Speech: n
Definition:
a process of thought following known cycles or step-by-step progression where a response to a step must be elicited before another step is taken

while i breifly tried to find a definition of non linear, i could not find one that suited my idea of non linear. but i think of it as being able to think about things in a circle rather than a straight line. i think that over simplifies it but i visualize it like this- there are 2 ways to take notes in a class. the linear thinker will do it in a fashion similar to what we have all been taught- idea 1, a. b. c. etc all in a line down the paper like an outline. non linear starts with the main concept in the center of the page circles it and then draws lines from the main concept to attach all the related ideas. in different colors. flying around all over the page but making perfect sense to them. too bad i dont still have my psych notebook. it wasn't exactly like this but similar. some day i will draw and photograph exactly what i mean. i wish i had known about this idea back in high school. it would have been so much better. but i think i am stuck somewhere in the middle. i like step by step but my step by steps have a lot of hidden staircases branching off- sometimes to somewhere and sometimes to no where.
maybe like this:
linear- first, do the dishes then wipe the table and counters next clean the stove then sweep and mop then move to the next room.
non linear- well maybe i will start the wash then start the dishes but while i am washing the dishes, i will take a break and pick up some toys and then i will switch teh wash and go back to the dishes. maybe next i will take out the trash and then finish the dishes and then scrub the tub..etc
either way, the job gets done but one will probably make the other crazy.
still not a perfect definiton of either but a place to start.

thoughts on the weather

yesterday, 80 glorious sunny perfect degrees.
today, 56 freezing, i cant get warm bone chilling degrees.
is it the huge range in temps that makes 56 seem cold? i remember in the spring (in WI) 56 felt like 72. and why does it seem to penetrate to my very core making me sleepy. all i want to do is snuzzle under a fuzzy blanket on the couch my sweatshirt should have been enough but i had to turn the heat all the way up in the car. i am starting to consider the idea that i am have a risidual "i don't feel too hot" side effect from my tetanus shot yesterday.
a cold shiver snakes down my spine as i type and i wiggle to try to warm up my back. i hate it especially when my back gets cold. maybe since it is such a large surface area. i think i will head to the hot shower and warm up a bit. brrrr....

what happens to those thoughts?

often when i am at work a strange philosophical type question will pop into my head. and i think, i will store this for later thought/blogging. and then i lose it. i dont even bother posing these questions at work since all the smart people i work with are smart in a linear way. and everyone else is just stupid. plus, counting drugs takes too much concentration to speak of anything other than idle gossip and bullshit. so anyway, i get home and think to blog some thoughts and such but i find i have forgotten them. grr. i am going to start carrying a notebook just for this purpose.

after suffering a minor distraction from some music, i am back to this blog. tomk loaded me up with so much music i think if i listened every day i will never get through it. but i busted out the external hard drive so miss m could hear where the music she likes really comes from. she seriously thought that kid rock sang sweet home alabama. he samples it and sings about it but i had to set her straight. with the peanuts theme song, too. kids. sheesh.

today at the dr (pronounced drrr, not doctor) i got the excercise lecture. it went something like this- high end normal fasting blood sugar blah blah insulin resistance blah blah family history blah blah indicators for future problems blah blah. in the end it was this- apparently cardio excercise increases lean muscles sensitivity to insulin. which is a good thing since then the body does not have to make as much to carry the sugar where it needs to go. at least i think thats what she said. so starting tuesday, i am going for 4 days of at least half an hour. i hate cardio. as much as i love mt dew which i have decided to give up as well. no caffine by julians birthday is the goal. gad. i love mt dew and i live on caffine. i hope that after i am off the caffine i wont feel like i need it as much. caffine is americas number 1 mood altering drug. 9 out of 10 people use it. i am an addict.

time to hit the shower. my day started at 530 after only 3ish hours of sleep. a hot shower is just what i need.

good night

ps here is something cute just cause i love julian....

an experiment...

this is my photo experiment. what better experiment picture than julian being introspective.

hmmm....shall i watch spongebob or thomas?

woops. the other day, take 2

the other day on the way to work, i was phoneless. usually the drive to and fro is when i "keep up wit da peeps" but i had absentmindedly left said tele next to leaky dish drainer. so any way, i turned on kut- the npr station here in austin. usually at that time of day, terri gross is interviewing someone i have never heard of. i usually enjoy it so when i heard a mans voice i was a bit confused so i listened a little bit more. apparently, terri gross is on vacation so they substituted a show called radio lab. move over, terri. i loved the bit that i got to hear. i didnt want to go into work. i am a nerd and they were talking about choices and why we make the choices we do and studies on making choices. so i downloaded some more to listen to. which makes me wish i had a mp3 player hookup in my car so i could listen while i drive when i wanted. any way, check this out...
http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/

the other day...

10 things

since we are focusing on being happy, here are my 10 things from today -great idea tomk! i think it is a good idea to look at what makes us happy
1. awesome hamburger for dinner
2. day off today
3. nice weather today
4. i took a nap
5. julian asking for a new word
6. hanging out with julian and nemecio
7. cool breeze in my bedroom
8. talking to mom for an hour about nothing
9. i will be going to bed early
10. seeing julian act like mario-sound effects included

i could have kept going but i think these are my top 10...

day off

oh glorious day off. cloudy with a light breeze and cool but not too cool. not doing anything besides hanging out with julian, ahhhhhhhh. we took a walk and learned about crossing at the crosswalk and pushing the buttons and the walk signals. apparently the idea of walking down a busy street quite novel for julian and he spent a lot of the walk looking behind him at the cars that were coming. let me just say i love texas winter weather (most of the time)

grumpy hangover

being grumpy is exhausing. despite sleeping 7+ hours (my average), i am exhausted today. not nearly as grumpy but it is still clinging there a bit. i will try to shake it off with a hot shower and a nap later. i can see why grumpy people stay grumpy. it takes a lot of emotional energy to stay mad all of the time and then you're tired and cant figure out why so you're even grumpier. it is a trap. i guess one would have to make a point to not be grumpy to get out of the trap. but then one would have to realize they are a grumpy sort of person and it has been my experience that grumpy people are not the type of people to be seeking the path to self realizaion. yet another trap. so anyway, i will make a choice later not to be grumpy and see how it goes. i say later because i am at home and here there is not too much to set of the avalanche of grumps. how many times can one say grumpy with out it sounding ridiculous, anyway????????????????????
thanks julian for all the question marks.

i got the grumps

oh grumpy day from where did you hail? i wish you to get away. you make my forehead wrinkle and co-workers wonder why i am not singing. my eyes hurt and my throat is tight. frustration is like a barrier for all tasks -is it the problem or a symptom? my bed is calling like a siren on the sea looking for a sailor to enthrall. normal things which normally cause me no concern infuriate me on this grumpy of grumpy days. i dont think it started out like this but it has arrived like a storm ahead of a cold front. torrential rain, wind, lightning, thunder and of course, tornados. my storm drains cant keep up. maybe once the cold front arrives it will be like a breath of fresh air. go away grumpy day. ppppbbbbllltt

sprint sucks

so i checked my credit report. i am kind of anal about this since i want to buy a house (someday) and especially now i will need a good credit rating. any who, i checked it and there was a collection from sprint. from 2007. so i was confused- i havent had a sprint accountsince 2005. so i contested the collection and they sent me a letter saying that it was indeed from me and a copy of the invoice. the address matched but the time frame didnt. so i called harvard collections. they kindly explained to me that this was actually from august of 03-which made sense since i changed my service at that time. they sent it to the creditor in jan 04 and harvard collections actually got the acount in 07. they also explained that sprint and verizon automatically send your last bill to the creditor after you cancel or change your services. in my case, i went to an account through work. she also said that in many cases, sprint wont even send a copy of your last bill. what the *&^% is up with that? good news, since i paid the bill, within 30 days, the collection will be off my credit report. thank you. but really. is that even fair? messing up peoples credit and not even giving them a chance to pay the bill. i am sure i never got a last bill from that account. i am good about paying my bills on time. thats something i dont mess around with. any how, ele, sprint does indeed suck.

dream sequence #1

i am starting fom 1 for my dreams, i like to tell about the weird dreams i have so here i go:

i am driving, it is night. i realize i have been driving and i am headed for texas. but i am on an unfamiliar road. suddenly it turns to gravel. i can see the highway but can't seem to access it. i am not sure how long i have been driving. i drive under an underpass and i see i can get on the highway if i drive through some big sand piles where they are apparently building an on ramp. i think the car will get stuck so i get out and pick the car up over the sand piles and on to the side of the highway. there is a horse drawn carriage, some regular traffic and a guy walking his dog. he stops and offers assisance. while we are talking and deciding what to do, i see a tow truck has arrived to tow my car. i argue with the tow truck man because i was just about to move my car and i had not been there for more that 10 minutes. he says since the cops called him he had to take it. suddenly some of his female friends show up and distract him so i decide to just hop in my car and drive away. it is now early morning. i am driving and confused about where i am. i realize that i am driving my moms car but it isnt (you know how that is in dreams) but it is very similar to mine. there is no map (very weird for moms car) so we- because suddenly nemecio and monica are along) stop at the next gas station. while monica pumps gas, we talk about where we are. we are on the exas/oklahoma border and apparently i had been driving since wisconsin. i admit that i dont remember any of it and start freaking out. like a lost time incident. i said "but i stopped and pumped gas and drove and dont remember it!!??" nemecio then took over driving and we were in some big pile of highways and then i woke up...

so i just googled "jankin" -which i usually use as my online nickname- out if sheer curiosity
check this out
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jankin

and also, jankin is a pest control company. hmmmm

i am obsessed. i feed the birds every other day and i am getting to know the habits of the cardinals that eat from the plate on my porch. the largest one is very vocal and will let me know if there is no food. he will also chase away any smaller bird at "his" dish. there is one female and at least one smaller male who will share the dish with the other birds. there is a variety of smaller birds, i am not sure which kinds they are. if i had to guess, some are finches but the others i am not sure on. i may get a dish of niger thistle for those guys. if i fail to feed them they will clean up all of the scattered food off the porch and out of the sandbox. they seem to enjoy the sand box- the other day i saw some of the smaller birds tossing sand around in there. crazy. maybe i will get a small dish for water....

saving something...

after our electric bill was yet again $150 - high by our standards since it is winter and we arent using the a/c and we live in a 2 bedroom apartment- we decided to try the whole unplug the tv, computer etc when not in use. we are hoping to lower our electric bill with the added side effect of helping not pollute the earth. oh wait- we already switched to wind power insead of coal power. thanks green mountain energy. it is generally more expensive but not so much more that it isn't worth it. so we are trying-and mostly succeeding in unplugging at least before bed if not when we leave the house and when we aren't using it. i will keep you updated to see if it works. we started just after we recieved our last power bill so we should see by the next bill. we actually just have powerstrips thet we turn off which is supposed to be the same as unplugging. so we will see...

kids

i like to see julian play with other kids. he seems to have a hard time approaching other kids but once he does, look out! he had to kiss his new friend goodbye today. it was cute but then i had to explain not everyone likes a goodbye kiss.
i love fridays. julian and my night. hanging out, eating popcorn, snuggling and watching movies. tonight we forgot the popcorn. he will remember tomorrow and ask for it or be mad that we forgot.
bedime
'night

it was.....
a psychic reading. and interesting, too. thats all i have to say until i have further digested the info. luckily it is on cd so i can listen again and again

what will happen...

tomorrow i am going for my birthday present from j. i am excited yet a bit tenative. what will happen? what will he say? what will i find out? will i be dissapointed? sad? freaked out? i will let you know...this is something i have wanted to do for a while and j was kind enough to do it for my birthday. thanks

forgotten

i forgot to mention that despite all issues, my cakes turned out great. i refrosted the chocolate to cover upp all the cake bits that were mixed into the frosting and the banana cake frosted like a dream. yummy. i never heard how t liked hers but i hope it was as good as mine. :)

ugh

ugh. work. need i say more?

this that and the other thing

so after arguing with a cake this morning i finally got it frosted but again, it isnt pretty. i gotta work on that.
i am now baking a banana cake. i had some leftover bananas and i just happened to bump into this recipe while searching for the cream cheese icing recipe. it seemed fated since the recipe calls for buttermilk. i never have buttermilk except to make the chocolate cakes that i made this weekend. so i had it in the fridge just waiting to be used.
i took ms m to her first day of school. she had a sick tummy this morning but after getting to school, she seemed better. she got to choose the "wheel" elective which switches her electives every 6 weeks. so now she has dance, then robotics then theater. she seemed pretty excited about that. i hope she likes this school and does well in it. i get to go pick her up at 330 so i can see how her 1st day was.
it being my birthday and all, i am going to treat my self to a no guilt lazy day with a side of afternoon nap. and the weather is perfectly crappy for it. thanks, god. i couldnt have asked for better weather to do exactly nothing.
on another subject- i bough julian some "sight word" cards. basically, they are cards with simple words on them and he memorizes them. he already knew I, yes, no and a. those are pretty easy any way. the box says ages 5 and up. but here is my theory. and tomk can let me know if these thoeries are accurate or not. words are symbols for real things (objects, movements, etc) just as a picture is a symbol for a real object. julian-and i am sure other kids- can already recognize more symbols than i even know. for example- he wanted to go to burger king for the mario toys they had there. so we are driving and he says "HEY!! theres burger king right by lowes!!!" i know he cant read but he recognizes the signs as symbols for those places. so why does he (or any kid) need to be 5 to start recognizing words as symbols? just like i wondered when he was younger, why can he recognize animal shapes and pictures more readily than just shapes like triangles and such. is it because of the more abstract nature of shapes or just that animals are more ineresting? because shapes can change size and color and dont really stand for anything other than what they are? or maybe kids are ready to start learning and recognizing these things before we think they are. or maybe not. i always wonder how his brain works. not just his but kids in general.
julian is lucky. he learns very easily. what he wants to learn, that is.
my banana cake is done. beautiful. smells yummy...
nap time...

so i have to say- all in all, the cake was good. i helped my self to a piece for breakfast today. and althought i still dont think the frosting was right and it was really ugly. it was good. no, it was actually really good. thanks to t for all the help with the cake and julian. j- you better come help me eat this!!

somewhere in heaven...

somewhere in heaven, my uncle jim is having himself a good laugh. my cakes, all things considered, turned out ok. i sent 1 home with t since she helped and for mr smith so he could enjoy some. so i had 2 rounds, a 9x13 and a pie plate cake left. we ran out of pans and had to use something for all the batter. after a minor over flow in the oven (we all enjoyed the cake boogers from the overflow) i tossed the cakes in the fridge and went to bed. today, i tried to make buttercream frosting and i am not sure what happened but it just was not at all how i expected. so i frosted the 2 rounds in to 1 cake and i am going to make cream cheese icing and frost the other cakes with that. it is all good, though, considering a) this was only the second time i made this cake and b) the first time i ever tried buttercream frosting. i think it may not get eaten but hey- at least i tried. next time, i am going to try a different recipe. i am not going to give up on this one until i beat it. so my cake is in the fridge, waiting to be eaten. it is UGLY. i am not a good cake froster and this cake was extra moist and fragile. but the cake tastes good. i think i will invest in some decorating lessons sometime soon...i dont care about the hearts and flowers and all that jazz but i just want to frost a cake without it breaking apart. if you live near me, i hope you are ready to eat more cakes while i master the mighty buttercream.

best laid plans

tomorrow i am going to create a birthday cake. or at least try. work, shop, hopefully nap then bake. but my life rarely goes as scheduled. i predict having to veer off this course at least once to do something more pressing. such is life. i will try to post pics of this work in progress. i have been looking forward to this project for about 3 weeks now so i hope it turns out as beautifully as i hope. wish me luck

mouths of babes...

today julian said to me "mama, i have another word for shit."
and i said "shit? thats a grown up word not a big guy word" (i can't refer to him in any way that means small or little with out him being deeply offended)
"but mama, i am just talking, listen. i have another word for shit."
"ok, what is your other word for shit" i am expecting something not good here,
" OOOHHH MAAANNN!!!!"
i guess that is another word for shit....

well, so i admit that no one probably really wants to read this but i am thinking of it as more like therapy or venting or a creative outlet. first i need to explain i dont use proper typing such as capital letters or punctuations (sorry to tomk- you know who you are) and my L doesnt awalys work and i dont always notice. this is a recent phenomenon. i will try to keep my posts positive since i try-not always sucessfully- to be positive. this blog is inspired by my sisters and friends so we can keep in touch with each others lives even if we don't always keep in contact. having said that, i want to say that i made some awesome lemon bars- thanks kraft food and family. baking is my past time/hobby/ what i do when i feel creative. coming soon- birthday cake. uncle jims recipe, i hope i can do it and him justice. this is all new to me but i am going to try to post photos. wish me luck!


so on another topic- how come no one ever told me cleaning is so much easier after a couple beers? i am not talking drunk but more like pleasantly relaxed and motivated. craziness.

next topic... i like big words and i am trying to teach julian big words. so the words for this post are "glorious" and "recalcitrant" which is to say: marked by stubborn resistance to and defiance of authority or guidance. ( ok, i found that somewhere) julian just says "really really sassy"

be ready to read lots of "in the words of julian" since i spend 100% of my time not at work with him. he is a genius in the making. it is amazing to see a mind so open and ready and wanting to learn. i try not to mold it too much to what i want but let it mold its self and i just give it some suggestions and guidance. i strive to raise a child who is capable of using his own creativity and his own mind but is also open to others and their ideas. i try not to pass on my prejudices to him. i hope he can grow up and be his own person and not be a carbon copy of what we expect a child to be. it is really amazing to see how he affects other people and he doesnt even realize it- he is too young and innocent to realize it. i am sure most other parents feel this way about their kids but i am really in awe of him sometimes.

now i have to try to remember the url for this post so i can send it to the 4 people who may be interested in it. thanks for humoring me.