so i have been pondering the statement that i am not very emotionally open. or something along those lines. i have been thinking about it. a lot and i am wondering where the door is. i mean how soes someone become more emotionally accessible? eith out being a whiner or crying about everything or a bitch. its not that i am a cold person. but i am just not the type of person to talk about or display a wide range of emotions. even to people close to me. which i guess is what i am trying to fix. but for me feelings and thoughts and emotions are very spurr of the moment, i am (fill in the emotion) right now but once i come down the things i have said may not be true. example: i am angry with boyfriend. i call up sister to complain and it ends up sounding like things are horrible. which is far from the truth. later on, i regret saying some of the things i said or putting the situation in the light i put it in because it wasn't correct. so i often dont spill my guts (when maybe i should be) because i dont want my relationships with others to be judged bases on an anger filled bitch session. nor do i want people to think/ feel like i am emptying my emotional trash can on them.
if i acted on my every emotional impulse people would hate me. but really, there must be some middle ground somewhere, right? where you can open up to people an let them know about you but not feel like you are dumping on them, either. or that your life is horrible and you need/want pity. i have had people who thought i was their dumping ground of toxic emotions and it is terrible. i dont want to be that person.
sometimes i know i dont say what i am feeling because i dont want to hurt feelings or stir up the pot. i sometmes have a hard time saying what i need to say with out adding a little bit of meanness to it. not in words but in tone of voice. so i just refrain from saying anything.
have i always been like this? sometimes i feel like this is a more recent phenomenon. like i have become more guarded in the past ten years. but then i am not really sure. i know i certainly cried a lot more and a lot more easily when i was younger. but somewhere i put a plug in it and now i find it difficult to cry for anything. i wish i could cry more easily. i wish i could laugh more easily, too. not that i dont find things funny but i guess it takes a lot to get my laugh nerve excited or something.
the only person i dont have a hard time with is julian. maybe because he is a baby. sorry- a big guy. and he takes everything at face value right now. it is what it is and he doesn't hold back, either.
so the question is- how does one open up more? where to start? with a person? or an emotion? should i tell my boyfriend exactly what i am feeling when i feel it or should i focus on expressing one emotion more?
maybe i can find a book about it....
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hmm. Heavy shiite. Maybe you should back up a bit and stop being so hard on yourself. Your posts sound tense and angst.
ReplyDeleteCan you take a second, exhale, and ease up on yourself? Yeah, somehow you're in the shit. That's okay, splash around in it for a second. Make a mud pie. Reflect for a second. Do you want to change the situation? How is best to change, not change, keep moving on?
Then, after you've given yourself four seconds to consider that, then, go look for the shovel to dig yourself out of the shiite.
And maybe you should start by considering being more 'emotionally open' to yourself first. You can't be 'open' to the universe without being open to yourself first.
Lately I'm having some rather uncute struggles too. March is 'be a better erica' month. You should consider making March a 'be a better jek' month. And you should use your own gauge to measure what 'better' is.
what do you think?
And just consider this. Somehow, I'm terribly envious of you.... At least you have Julian. And that must be an amazing source of fun and positivity. Just focus on all things fun or positive.
Good luck kid. You can do it.